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Humor Archive Four

Service Plaque
Episcopal Airlines
Helpful Usher
Church Squirrels
Frustrated Motorist
Open Mind
Ticket Exchange
Good News, Bad News
God the Artist
Getting Ready for a Long Trip
BIBLE as an Acronym
God the Quilt
Priestly Advice

Service Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Episcopal Airlines

Attention, Episcopal Air passengers for flight 777. The preflight sherry reception will begin shortly at gate 1-C. When the plane is ready for boarding, your flight usher will make the appropriate announcement. Please have your completed pledge card ready to turn in to the usher in the narthex. Remember that, even though all seats are First Class, the back rows fill up first, and those seats are the most expensive. Also be aware that if we cannot meet our budget from the pledges of today's passengers, we will not be able to fly all the way to New York, but may instead have to land in Sandusky or Poughkeepsie.

Before entering the cloistered jetway, please extinguish all smoking materials except incense. The smoky section for Anglo-Catholics is on the starboard side of the aircraft, rows 1-6. We are sorry we cannot fully accommodate both "high" and "low" passengers on this flight, so we are taking a via media approach and flying at a midrange altitude (as long as there are no obstacles into which to crash, in which case we will have to call our flight tower at 815 for further instructions).

We want every comfort for our guests. Our seats are fully cushioned. Our footrests convert easily to padded kneelers. Our life jackets (God forbid that we should need them!) are always color-coordinated to the proper liturgical season. Please speak with the pilot after the conclusion of the flight, if you would like to contribute a memorial stained glass window to this aircraft. You will see some of the windows already contain beautiful designs.

Dinner service will begin shortly after takeoff with cocktails and hors d'oeuvre, followed by a sit-down dinner. Of course our amenities include linen-covered fold-down meal trays. And we use only real china and silver. (For you ecumenical partners traveling with us, relax - the proper forks will be served with the proper courses, so you need not worry which one to use to eat what!)

The chamber music trio will be playing in the front of the cabin, and will also be streamed live to the headphones at your seat. Other channels available to you include BBC news, Gregorian Chant, organ favorites, and our latest addition, relaxing nature sounds.

The offices of Evening Prayer and Compline will be offered at the Oratory in the center of the cabin. Everyone is invited to participate.

Should the plane experience mechanical difficulties, entrance to the oratory is on a first-come, first-served basis. Praying at your seat is also encouraged. You will find the English-language, 1979 US Book of Common Prayer in your seat pockets. (Available from your attendant by special request, are Spanish or Braille Editions, as well as the 1928, 1662, and 1549 -- and New Zealand versions.)

We hope you enjoy your flight. Please introduce yourself to your neighbors and sign the guest book before you leave. This concludes our announcements. Remember that Episcopal Air Welcomes You. Have a nice trip and thank you for flying with Episcopal Air. We hope to see you again soon.

Helpful Usher

An elderly woman walks into the local country Church. A friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" He asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The Pastor is really rather boring". "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the Pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered, and seated her.

Church Squirrels

There were three churches in a small town: the Lutheran, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist church. Each was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Lutheran group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Baptist Church that was able to come up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

Frustrated Motorist

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car .She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake.But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Open Mind

 At an airport one night
 With several long  hours Before her flight.
 She hunted for a book In an airport  shop,
 Bought a bag of cookies  And found a place to drop.

 She was engrossed in her book But happened to see,
 That the man sitting beside her,  As bold as could be,
 Grabbed a cookie or two  From the bag in between,
 Which she tried to ignore  To avoid a scene.

 So she munched the cookies  And watched the clock,
 As the gutsy cookie thief  Diminished her stock.
 She was getting more irritated As the minutes ticked by,
 Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye."

 With each cookie she took,
 He took one too,
 When only one was left, She wondered what he would  do.
 With a smile on his face, And a nervous laugh,
 He took the last cookie  And broke it in half.

 He  offered her half, As he ate the other,
 She snatched it from him And  thought....ooh, brother!
 This guy had some nerve And he's also rude,
 Why he didn't even show Any gratitude!

 She had never known When she been so galled,
 And sighed with relief When her flight was called.
 She gathered her belongings And headed to the gate,
 Refusing to look back  At the thieving ingrate.

 She boarded the plane,  And sank in her seat,
 Then she sought her book, Which was almost complete.
 As she reached in her baggage, She gasped with surprise,
 There  was her bag of cookies, In front of her eyes.

 If mine are here, She moaned in despair,
 The others were his, And he tried  to share.
 Too late to apologize, She realized with grief,
 That she was the rude one, The ingrate, the thief!

 How many times have we absolutely known that something was a certain way,
 only to discover later that what we believed to be true....was not?
 "Always Keep An Open Mind And An Open Heart,
 Because.........................    You Just Never  Know....
       "You might be eating someone else's cookies."

Ticket Exchange

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Good New, Bad News

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

God the Artist

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!", said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Getting Ready for a Long Trip

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

BIBLE as an Acronym

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

God the Quilt

Sunday after church a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday School Lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

Priestly Advice

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first".

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir that you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony".

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

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