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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Attention, Episcopal Air passengers for flight 777. The preflight sherry reception will begin shortly at gate 1-C. When the plane is ready for boarding, your flight usher will make the appropriate announcement. Please have your completed pledge card ready to turn in to the usher in the narthex. Remember that, even though all seats are First Class, the back rows fill up first, and those seats are the most expensive. Also be aware that if we cannot meet our budget from the pledges of today's passengers, we will not be able to fly all the way to New York, but may instead have to land in Sandusky or Poughkeepsie.
Before entering the cloistered jetway, please extinguish all smoking materials except incense. The smoky section for Anglo-Catholics is on the starboard side of the aircraft, rows 1-6. We are sorry we cannot fully accommodate both "high" and "low" passengers on this flight, so we are taking a via media approach and flying at a midrange altitude (as long as there are no obstacles into which to crash, in which case we will have to call our flight tower at 815 for further instructions).
We want every comfort for our guests. Our seats are fully cushioned. Our footrests convert easily to padded kneelers. Our life jackets (God forbid that we should need them!) are always color-coordinated to the proper liturgical season. Please speak with the pilot after the conclusion of the flight, if you would like to contribute a memorial stained glass window to this aircraft. You will see some of the windows already contain beautiful designs.
Dinner service will begin shortly after takeoff with cocktails and hors d'oeuvre, followed by a sit-down dinner. Of course our amenities include linen-covered fold-down meal trays. And we use only real china and silver. (For you ecumenical partners traveling with us, relax - the proper forks will be served with the proper courses, so you need not worry which one to use to eat what!)
The chamber music trio will be playing in the front of the cabin, and will also be streamed live to the headphones at your seat. Other channels available to you include BBC news, Gregorian Chant, organ favorites, and our latest addition, relaxing nature sounds.
The offices of Evening Prayer and Compline will be offered at the Oratory in the center of the cabin. Everyone is invited to participate.
Should the plane experience mechanical difficulties, entrance to the oratory is on a first-come, first-served basis. Praying at your seat is also encouraged. You will find the English-language, 1979 US Book of Common Prayer in your seat pockets. (Available from your attendant by special request, are Spanish or Braille Editions, as well as the 1928, 1662, and 1549 -- and New Zealand versions.)
We hope you enjoy your flight. Please introduce yourself to your neighbors and sign the guest book before you leave. This concludes our announcements. Remember that Episcopal Air Welcomes You. Have a nice trip and thank you for flying with Episcopal Air. We hope to see you again soon.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Lutheran group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Baptist Church that was able to come up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car .She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake.But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
At an airport one night With several long hours Before her flight. She hunted for a book In an airport shop, Bought a bag of cookies And found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book But happened to see, That the man sitting beside her, As bold as could be, Grabbed a cookie or two From the bag in between, Which she tried to ignore To avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies And watched the clock, As the gutsy cookie thief Diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated As the minutes ticked by, Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, He took one too, When only one was left, She wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, And a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie And broke it in half. He offered her half, As he ate the other, She snatched it from him And thought....ooh, brother! This guy had some nerve And he's also rude, Why he didn't even show Any gratitude! She had never known When she been so galled, And sighed with relief When her flight was called. She gathered her belongings And headed to the gate, Refusing to look back At the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, And sank in her seat, Then she sought her book, Which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, She gasped with surprise, There was her bag of cookies, In front of her eyes. If mine are here, She moaned in despair, The others were his, And he tried to share. Too late to apologize, She realized with grief, That she was the rude one, The ingrate, the thief! How many times have we absolutely known that something was a certain way, only to discover later that what we believed to be true....was not? "Always Keep An Open Mind And An Open Heart, Because......................... You Just Never Know.... "You might be eating someone else's cookies."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir that you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony".
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
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