Home St. Patrick's Episcopal Church Back

Humor Archive Three

Stand or sit?
General Moses
Fishy excuse
Voting for God
Shhhhhhhh
Birthday Candles
Sitter for Jesus
Burial
Adam's leaf
God's portrait
Rerun?
New Wife
In God's likeness
Practice
Long sermon

Stand or sit?

After church service one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to becomes a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


General Moses

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


Fishy excuse

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing, but dad told me I needed to go to church."

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fished.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."


Voting for God

A girl asked her new sever-year-old neighbor, "What church do you go to?"

"I don't go to church," her playmate said, "I go to a temple. I'm Jewish."

"What's that?" asked the first little girl.

"You know, there are Protestants, Catholics, and Jews," the girl explained. "But they are all just different ways of voting for God."


Shhhhhhhh

A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Birthday Candles

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you."

Sitter for Jesus

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

Burial

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the Sonnn....and into the hole he gooooes."

Adam's leaf

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"


God's portrait

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said. "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


Rerun?

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, KY, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she learned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again."
It worked.


New Wife

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


In God's likeness

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished by halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.


Practice

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She asked , "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago.:
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
"God's getting better at it, isn't He?" she observed.


Long sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Back to Humor Page
Humor Archive One
Humor Archive Two
Humor Archive Four
Humor Archive Five
Humor Archive Six
Humor Archive Seven
Humor Archive Eight