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Humor Archive Two

Kids in Church
Hell is Full
Holy Land Burial
Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh
Hymns for Everyone

Kids in Church

First Offering
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Trash Talk
A 6- year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
Sermon Observation
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Baptism
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Pontius Pilot
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
Saving Grace
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

Hell is Full

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope would make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Holy Land Burial

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh

There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:

  1. He called everyone "brother"
  2. He liked Gospel.
  3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

  1. He went into His Fathers business.
  2. He lived at home until he was threethree.
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. He used olive oil.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

But then there were three equally g ood arguments that Jesus was Irish:

  1. He never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
  3. And even when He(She) was dead, He(She) had to get up because there was more work to do.

Hymns for Everyone

The Dentist's Hymn............Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn.........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn.............Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.............There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn.........Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn..........I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.............Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn........Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn............I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn...He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn.............The Great Physician

Hymns for those who speed on the highway:

45 mph (72 kph).........God Will Take Care of You
55 mph (88 kph).........Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph (104 kph)........Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph (120 kph)........Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph (136 kph)........This World Is Not My Home
95 mph (152 kph)........Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph (160 kph)..Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life
And pass it on to other folk.

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